Cingle in the City

Baggage: part two

2010-05-27T11:49:00.001-04:00

Baggage. We all have it. Some just have more of it than others…

Since college, nearly every serious boyfriend I’ve had has come with a cargo carrier of luggage, which ultimately has affected our relationship. At some point in time, I've fallen for men who have had drug abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abandonment, twisted family trees, cheating partners and serial dating issues. In short, I've managed to date just about every unavailable man I've ever met.

I thought my pattern of dating unavailable men was turning around when I started dating Ex-Boyfriend. Sure, he was resistant to change and unable to communicate. He'd previously been in a really toxic relationship, which I always felt kind of hardened him and made it hard for him to open up. But all in all, he was fairly normal.

On the outside, so it the guy I just met. We've only been on two dates, but the chemistry is amazing. He’s sweet. He’s funny. He’s smart. He's romantic. He's expressive. He’s MUCH more romantic than ANY guy I've ever dated - he wants to hold my hand, he calls when he says he will.

So what's the baggage?

He has one son with one woman, and a pending divorce with the mother of his second child. Yes, you read that correctly. He has a wife and a baby mama.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never given a lot of thought to dating someone who already has children. I truly believe that your child is your child, regardless of whether s/he is genetically related to you. While the idea of dating a single parent is a little nerve-wracking, it’s not a barrier to a future relationship.

A wife is, though.

I mean, they've only been separated for eight months, so it's not even final, yet. Yes, he assures me that it’s over for him and the process is down to just technicalities. He was honest enough to tell me this on our first date, giving me plenty of time to back up and run for the hills. He offered not to call me again until his divorce is final. I admire that he was so forthright; it speaks volumes of his character.

But it still freaks me the fuck out.

Just having that connection with someone so immediately is discombobulating enough –- I'm notoriously self-destructive when a relationship is "good" -- but throw in the rest and, well, you can see why I have such serious reservations. I’m left with more questions than answers. Questions like:

Do I just go with the flow and pursue things now?
Should I wait until the ink has dried on the divorce decree before progressing with the relationship?
Is he playing me, telling me about all this crap up front because he wants me to fall for his "honesty" when he's really just trying to get in my pants?
Is chemistry the same thing as a connection -- or are my hormones just out of control?
Is it even worth pursuing... or is this just too much baggage to sign up for?

We all have baggage. Some just have more of it than others. At this point in my life, though, I'm wondering if I'll ever find the person whose baggage goes with mine.

Baggage: part one

2010-05-19T00:01:00.001-04:00

Warning: sensitive topic ahead.

I have a real problem with the fact that Ben Roethlisberger wasn’t charged with sexual assault in the case a college-aged woman in Georgia brought against the football superstar.

The attorneys for the woman said the intense media spotlight aimed at her during a high-profile criminal trial “would be a very intrusive experience” for her. It’s likely she’s right.

It’s an unfortunate situation, but not all that uncommon. It’s estimated that 60 percent of sexual crimes go unreported every year. SIXTY PERCENT.

Why?

Rape and sexual assault are intensely personal, private crimes. They are embarrassing. They are shameful. At least, that’s what victims of sexual crimes believe.

I know this, because I’m one of the statistics.

When I was 17, a friend and I went out with a guy she’d met and his older cousin. We had a few beers. We each started kissing our respective partner. And then…. He tried to have sex with me. I said, “no.” He tried again… there was a little penetration. Panic. I said, “no” again, this time more forcefully. I pushed against him… he was so much heavier than me! More panic, a flurry of activity. He moved away. Relief.

I’ll never forget his next words to me. They were, “ You’re such a fucking tease.”

I didn’t consider myself a tease for being 17, a virgin and than a little freaked out that a simple make out session was becoming something I was less than comfortable with. I mean, it was my right to say, “no,” right? That’s what they had always told us in school, in sex ed. It’s what my parents had always said.

And yet, I felt like it was my fault. I replayed the evening over and over in my mind. Had I been too flirtatious? Had I given him the wrong impression about where the evening would lead?

Even though we didn’t *technically* have sex I felt violated. I felt ashamed. I was brought up Catholic, was taught that my virginity was a gift and that sex was best saved for marriage. That was something I believed in and had wanted to maintain. Now, I was left with the overwhelming thought, “I am damaged goods. Who will ever want me?”

I didn’t feel that I could go to my parents, because the depth of their disappointment in me would have been too much to bear. And I didn’t feel I could go to the police, because they would involve my parents. Instead, I told my friend, who agreed we’d never see those boys again.

And that was it.

Like any number of women who have felt they were the victim of a sexual assault, I understand the fear and the panic that accompany the scrutiny. I was too frightened to do anything about it.

I also know the long-term effects of a sexual crime. I felt that I was damaged goods. I didn’t think a “good” man would ever want me. So I acted out… big time. I was extremely promiscuous in college. I never wanted to hear, “you’re a tease,” ever again… it was just so much easier to numb myself from the waist down, disconnect from my body and “Just Do It.”

I can’t help but wonder how my life would have been different had I just come clean to my parents. Looking back, they would have been disappointed that I’d gotten myself into the situation, yes, but they wouldn’t have stopped loving me. They would have done everything in their power to make me feel safe and whole. They would have gotten me the therapy that I sought myself many years later. Perhaps I would have regained that sense of self-worth, dignity and respect that I felt I’d lost. Perhaps I wouldn’t have slutted it up in college, which led to even more self-disappointment and regret.

It’s silly to look back at what could or should have been. I can’t change the past.

But I can (hopefully) change the way people think about the victims of sexual crimes. My experience wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, didn’t nearly reach the same levels that many women have experienced. No two situations are the same. No two women are the same.

However, there is one commonality between me every victim of a sexual crime, one that’s worth keeping in mind: no matter what we've done, we’re someone’s daughter.

Instead of...

2010-04-02T00:04:00.000-04:00

Instead of sending me a text message, pick up the phone and give me a call. Instead of suggesting we "hang out," take me on a date. And instead of ignoring me for two weeks because you're freaked out about intimacy and the idea that we might one day be in a relationship, get over yourself and man up.

That is all.

Bad Romance

2010-03-29T23:28:00.003-04:00

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -- Morrie Schwartz (subject of the book Tuesdays with Morrie.)

I've been giving a lot of thought to relationships lately; what makes them tick, what makes them work, what contributes to their failure. The fact that I’m dating again (and is my ex… or so I suspect...) has led to a great deal of introspection. I've been poring over old journal entries I wrote before, during and after my last relationship, in an effort to clarify what worked, and what didn't. An exercise in self-defeat, perhaps, but a useful one nonetheless.

On paper, my ex-boyfriend is what I’ve always looked for. He is easily one of the most intelligent people I know. He is equal parts nice guy and quiet rebel. He’s funny, both in the “ha ha” kind of way and in the sharp, witty way that I so deeply appreciate. He can make me laugh with as small a gesture as a raised eyebrow. I can have a conversation with him for hours, never get bored and always learn something. He is equally interested in music, sports, art, books and film – all of which he can speak about with both intelligence and passion.

In short, he is a beautifully complex and interesting man, multi-faceted, and faaaaaar from average. (And the last thing I'd ever want is someone average; average often equals boring.) Throw in a big dash of chemistry -- I swear, sometimes he’d give me that look and my breath would literally freeze in my lungs -- and you have the makings for a pretty great relationship.

So if he was so great and everything I always wanted to find, why didn’t it work out?

Well see, that's the tricky part. It wasn't the difference in our religious and political affiliations. It wasn't our in ability to communicate with one another. No, if I’m really being honest, the hardest part of being with him was the way it made me feel about myself. I sometimes felt so small and insignificant. There were times when I felt crushing insecurity. That’s now how people in healthy relationships are supposed to feel.

Every time he did something to make me feel that way (like not wanting to say, “I love you,” or not returning an email or text in which I asked him to do something…), it was a damaging blow not just to our relationship, but to my self-esteem. In fact, I once wrote in my journal, “I don’t like fighting with him. I just want things to be easy. But I can’t lose pieces of myself to him, either. I’m afraid that’s what’s happening every time I let something slide.”

Those little insidious betrayals of our relationship made me feel insecure, they made me feel weak. But instead of trying to fix things, I rationalized. I rationalized all the time. Things would always get better, so I ignored the insecurity and the feeling that I was unimportant or wasn’t worth the effort to him. It was easier to just ignore it than to argue.

Besides, anytime I brought up something he didn’t want to hear, he’d get in one of his moods, and I just didn’t have the energy to deal with his moodiness any more frequently than I already was. (He even said after we broke up, “You got more patient with me and I got less patient with you.”) And I loved him so much… I didn’t want the walls I so frequently erect to get in the way and damage our relationship. Instead, I went in the opposite direction. I was too vulnerable.

That was the fatal flaw in our relationship. I wanted so badly for things to work out that I was willing to trade off occasionally feeling worthless and insignificant and unimportant, just to keep the peace and keep the relationship intact. That is a “me” problem, not a “him” problem.

I guess that’s what has been the hardest part of the break up and my dive into the dating pool. It’s tough to admit that even after I talked to him about what was important to me and how I wanted to be treated, I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away when he couldn’t give me what I needed.

That’s what I’ve been struggling with lately. It worries me that if I find another guy who seems worth my time, I’ll make dozens of tiny concessions and lose pieces of myself to him. And when it doesn’t work out, I’ll be left with nothing but regret and heartache… and so will he.

So how does one suss out whether someone is going to treat them right in the long run, not just while we’re starting out? How can I be open and vulnerable to falling back in love, but still be strong and demand a certain level of respect? And when do standards go from being status quo to abnormally and impossibly high?

And am I in danger of erecting more walls because I can’t figure this out and I never, ever again want to think I’m going to marry someone just to have the relationship fall apart?

What I've been up to

2010-02-23T23:19:00.002-05:00

Here's a little update about what I've been up to in the last few months:

July 2009: Broke up with Boyfriend

August 2009: Nothing of note

September 2009: Got a promotion

October 2009: Realized I was moving on, freaked out, cried (another story for another time...)

November 2009: Kissed another boy

December 2009: Realized I was no longer in love; subsequently kissed multiple other boys

January 2009: Started dating again

February 2009: Started blogging again

I'll post some deeper thoughts and a better update soon, but right now I'm exhausted by the pace I've been keeping. I have a new lease on life and new energy in my personal life that is exciting and fun.

I also have a great idea for an idea that combines dating, blogging and social networking. I'm working out the details for this top-secret plan, and will share it as soon as it's fully formulated. Stay tuned...

The more things change

2009-07-06T19:59:00.003-04:00

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I went back and read my last post, in which I waxed poetic about my relationship and expressed the hope that someone truly in love feels at that point of recognition that their life has been forever changed by one person.

But things have turned south lately. We're not communicating with one another well. We're not talking as much. He had a party for the Fourth of July and didn't invite me.

Yeah, kind of a dick move if you ask me.

His general thoughtlessness and selfishness started to creep through. There were more mood swings. Fewer thoughtful gestures. Less sex. (Truly a measure of the health of a relationship, wouldn't you say?)

The more I started to see these things, the more denial I felt. I held on harder, tighter and tried to keep things from falling apart around me. But the fact of the matter is, we're wrong for each other. My heart just needed time to catch up to that fact, a fact that I recognized a long time ago and rarely voiced aloud.

Today marked the end of the relationship. We were together a year. We did a good job. We had some laughs, some good times. But the relationship ran its course, and we both acknowledged that today. He isn't capable of giving me what I need, and even if he were, he wouldn't want to. That's not fair to me, so it was time for us to go our separate ways. If we're not moving forward, what are we doing?

I feel relieved.

It still hurts, of course. I'm sad, as I suppose I'll be for a long time. It will take time to heal my broken heart, for as Pablo Neruda said, "Loving is so short, forgetting is so long." But in the end, I will be healed. I'll be revived. And I'll be ready for someone better.

Three small words

2008-10-27T13:17:00.003-04:00

Barback Boy -- henceforth referred to as "The Boyfriend -- told me that he loves me over the weekend.

I have to admit, I kinda already knew... or at least, I suspected. We've been on the same page consistently throughout our relationship, and I've been feeling that lovin' feelin' for a little while now.

But more so than the words, The Boyfriend finds little ways to show or tell me every day. It's a text message first thing in the morning or a kiss on the forehead when I leave. It's buying me a bright pink toothbrush for use when he "kidnaps" me for weekends at his house. It's stocking Coke in the fridge and opening doors and making me breakfast in bed and doing the dishes without complaining and showing up unexpectedly with a bottle of wine and the fancy-schmancy corkscrew I've been eyeing.

Now that I know how he really feels, though, those every day moments are becoming all that more precious. Those moments that we have together take on a whole new meaning, especially between two people who don't want to bust out "I love you," all the time for fear of the phrase losing its intensity.

DTR

2008-09-29T19:28:00.003-04:00

BB boy and I had the "DTR" - Defining The Relationship - talk the other day. I am officially off the market.

We didn't really need to have the boyfriend/girlfriend discussion, but we did anyway. Our relationship just sort of naturally evolved into something really wonderful and exciting and different. I'm happy. I'd even go so far as to say that I'm twitterpated.

To text (or not to text...)

2008-09-18T14:09:00.002-04:00

Okay. So if you’ve ever known anyone of the opposite sex EVER in your life, you know this to be true: Men and women communicate differently.

I know… it’s shocking! But alas, it’s true. And let’s face it: The fact that we communicate differently creates all sorts of messes in our relationships.

Take, for example, my friend M, who ran into an ex-boyfriend over the weekend. They had dated the summer between their junior and senior years in college. During the summer, their romance fizzled. But when during the fall, when they went back to different colleges in different cities, it fizzled.

Anyway, they ran into one another over the weekend at a little sports bar. M says they eyed one another to make sure it really was who they thought it was. Eventually, he made his way over, they reconnected and enjoyed pleasant catch-up conversation.

His phone was dead, so he suggested she text him with her new cell phone number. He also invited her to go hang with him and his friends at another local bar… but she was tired and thus, declined.

But per his request, she sent him a text that read something like, “Hey, it was good to see you!” She didn’t identify herself and – worse yet – has no way to know if her number actually showed up.

Last night, after much consideration and several (SEVERAL…) glasses of wine, we decided that she should text him again but be more specific. After all, she never identified herself. He might not know who it was who was texting, right?

So, we formulated a text message that was (we think!) breezy, unstudied and spur-of-the-moment.

It took 30 minutes to write.

“Hey, it’s M… Hope you guys had fun at RPs last weekend! Let me know if you ever want to grab a drink and catch up.”

He hasn’t responded.

Maybe we should have listened to the advice of two guy friends who piped up and gave their two cents. They said (and I quote), “Guys don’t like it when girls call.” But seriously, why ask someone to text you and why invite them to continue hanging out if you have no intention of responding?

This is what we girls like to call, "Giving Mixed Signals."

Were the situation reversed and it had been M who requested the original text message, she would have responded by Tuesday with a light (and thoughtfully composed) return text.

So why don't boys play by the same rules? Because (sigh) we communicate differently. And because of that difference, M is stuck obsessively checking her phone for new messages and wondering if she read this silly boy wrong in the first place.

Update

2008-09-08T00:36:00.002-04:00

In recent weeks, the dating scene has really dropped off for me. I continue to hang out with Barback Boy and the more that I do, the more I realize that I really, really like him and don't need to be wasting my time with some of these guys I've been seeing. So I've phased them out of my life slowly but surely.

I hesitate to call him my "boyfriend" because I still want the freedom of knowing that I'm single. Also, we're in one anothers' lives but we're not a PART of one anothers' lives, you know what I mean? Until that situation is remedied (and possibly, still after that) I don't plan to enter into a truly exclusive relationship. Even though, yes, I guess we're technically together because neither of us is seeing anyone else.

Aaaaanyway, after that long-winded explanation, I thought I'd share some of the things that make him great and that I have learned about him in the past few months. I stole this from a couple of the other blogs that I read, and thought this was an appropriate outlet.

1. He’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
A Reds game

2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
I don't know, he's never actually ordered a salad in front of me. Probably ranch.

3. What’s one food he doesn’t like?
Onions

4. You go out to the bar. What does he order?
Beer, usually some sort of of IPA

5. Where did he go to high school?
Lakota, back before there was an East or West.

6. What size shoe does he wear?
I don't know.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
Everything! He's a huge pack rat. He has ever Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue published since, like 1980. And he has lots of bottles from favorite beers.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
He eats a lot of tuna and he's not opposed to a burger.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Pizza

10. What is his favorite cereal?
I can't be sure, he has no cereal in his house. Though I have seen lots of oatmeal.

11. What would he never wear?
High heels, probably. Or a speedo.

12. What is his favorite sports team?
The Reds

13. Who will he vote for?
McCain. Let's not go there, we've had a couple of discussions about that. They've been... spirited...

14. Who is his best friend?
I would say his friend Becca, but he's not speaking to her currently because she tried to break us up. So probably his family, Larry, Brandon and Ryan.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t do?
Complain about how lame his presidential candidate is. Pretend to be interested in UFC.

16. How many states has he lived in?
Several - Illinois, Ohio, Florida. Also, he served in the Air Force, so he also lived in Saudi Arabia and Iraq.

17. What is his heritage?
German and maybe some other things

18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
Probably yellow cake. He doesn't love chocolate.

19. Did he play sports in high school?
Oh gosh, I'm embarassed to admit this. He was REALLY big into doing tricks on his bike.

20. What could he spend hours doing?
Downloading and listening to music

L8 4 a D8

2008-08-13T21:53:00.003-04:00

Uh-oh Teach. You may be in trouble now... seeing as how you were almost 30 minutes late for our date tonight!!

Let's go back to where it all started -- the beginning.

So this is my third date with Teach. Third dates are great... you know one another well enough to be comfortable, you might even have some inside jokes, and you know that you like one another enough to see each other again. The possibilities start to open up during the third date, and you start to actually consider keeping this person in your life for a little while.

Our first two dates went really well. He continues to surprise me - he's got smarts hidden behind this deep Kentucky drawl. He's funny and laid back. And while I don't like him as much as I like Barback Boy, I do like him and was looking forward to seeing him tonight.

For our third date, Teach and I yet again decided to meet for dinner and drinks. (Okay, mild criticism here: I like to eat, but I'm kind of in the mood to DO something, you know?! Like, Barback Boy and I went canoeing. Oh, and also? I have picked the place each time. How about you show some initiative and YOU pick the place next time?!)

Aaaaanyway, Teach had a fundraiser to attend for one of his friends, who is running in the Olympics, but whose mom doesn't have enough moolah to get there. Noble cause. Really admirable. Knowing that he had these other obligations to attend to, we decided to do dinner late and meet at the restaurant at 8:00.

At 7:55, I receive a call from Teach. "Hey, have you left your house yet?" he asked.

"Yep, I'm actually just parking. Why, what's up?"

"I'm running late. I might be closer to 8:05," he said. "Would that be okay? Are you mad?"

Well no, I'm not mad, I thought. After all, you were considerate enough to call and tell me you'd be late. So I responded, "Nope, not at all. See you then."

To kill some time, I took a nice, leisurely stroll around the block. I window-shopped as I passed by some of the upscale boutiques in the area. And I arrived at exactly 8:05.

No Teach.

So I waited for a few minutes in the lobby. I started getting fidgety. The poor hostess, sensing my discomfort, asked if I wanted to go ahead and be seated. Anything is better than just sitting in a lobby, so yeah, I wanted to be seated!!

I called Teach to let him know that I'd been seated and to just come in and find me. As we are about to hang up, I casually asked him if he'd be there soon.

Well, he's still about 10 minutes away. So no, he wasn't close and he was going to be late. "Go ahead and order a drink while you wait for me," he says.

Well, okay, no problem. A few more minutes is fine. But 20 minutes later, he still isn't there, my wine is getting warm and I, of course, am freaking out. That's when he ambles in.

He was incredibly apologetic. I swear, he must have apologized about a dozen times. But here's what happened. I guess he was late to this fundraiser event. Then, the newspaper and one of the TV stations showed up. (This story is big news in Cincinnati, so this much is plausible.)

Since he had some T-shirts custom designed and was selling them for this benefit, he was asked to be interviewed. He complied, but it put him farther behind. And then a bunch of his friends showed up, so he felt like he had to schmooze with them for a bit. Finally, at 7:55, he realized that he had to leave the benefit for our date... which by the way, was half an hour from where the benefit was being held.

Here's the thing: It doesn't bother me so much that he was late. It doesn't even bother me that he waited until five minutes before we were supposed to meet to call me.

What bothers me is that he told me he was going to be five minutes late, but in reality was going to be 25 minutes late. The benefit was in his hometown, and we were having dinner in the suburb where he lives now. So he KNOWS it takes longer than 10 minutes to get there. So why not just tell me that he's going to be 30 minutes late; I would have been slightly annoyed, but I would have killed some time and been none the worse for the wear.

And when I asked him why he didn't just tell me that he'd be 30 minutes late (and probably asked none too gently, considering I was actually kind of pissed off at that point...) he told me, "Well, I didn't want you to be mad."

But you thought that I wouldn't be mad just hanging out waiting for you for 25 minutes?! I mean, I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's being sincere and had the best of intentions. After all, he is a nice guy.

But on the other hand... is this a sign of things to come? What do you think, America? If a guy is nearly 30 minutes late to a date - pretty much knowing that he's going to be late but not wanting to "make you mad" by being honest about it - do you give him a second chance and see how it goes, or do you drop him like a hot potato and move on to the next?

Grade: C-

[Editor's Note: One of my friends asked me how the rest of the date went. When Teach wasn't obsessing over being late, it went fine. I got over the fact that he was late and wanted to move on to other topics of conversation. He kept saying, "I figured you'd be mad and would leave me," or "I figure I'll never see you again because I was late," and blah, blah, blah. I told him that we should just move on and not talk about it anymore, but he just KEPT COMING BACK TO IT. It was really annoying. But other than that, the date was good.]

Dates #8, 9 and 10

2008-08-12T21:17:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago, I had my second date with Teach. We went to a little local bar and had a few (okay, several) drinks and some dinner. Honestly, I got a little tipsy, which is pretty unlike me on a second date. Teach continues to surprise me, which is why I am seeing him for date #3 tomorrow....

Two Sundays in a row, I have had dates with Barback Boy. I think he is stepping up his game, now that he knows he's not the only person on my dance card. Two weekends ago, we went to this brew pub and had some delicious dinner, during which, he told me that HIS PARENTS had wanted me to come over so that we could all have dinner together. Glad he vetoed that (although I have met his parents, it was just before I was dating him!!) and stuck with our dinner plans.

This past Sunday, as I was coming home from Dayton, I stopped by his place and we watched the Olympics together. And snuggled. And whoever called at one point knows who I am, because he said, "I'm watching the Olympics with Cingle Girl." So apparently all of his friends and/or family know about me, even though we are barely dating. Of course, all my friends and family know about him, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised....

I think I only have one month left on my Match.com subscription so I am making the most of it. I went a little "wink" happy on some cuties who seem to be new to the service, so we'll see what develops there. Even though I like these guys that I am going on second and third and fourth and fifth dates with, I'm a girl who just wants to have fun right now. Why tie myself down just yet?! :)

Date #7 - Lord of the Rings

2008-07-29T20:54:00.006-04:00

Tonight was date #2 with Mr. Marvelous. Our first date was just okay, but since we'd had so many great phone conversations before it, I wanted to have a second date.

We decided to meet at Macaroni Grill... except that, as I realized about 30 minutes before date time, I realized that Macaroni Grill is closed. So instead we met at Ruby Tuesday. lOnce again he brought me a flower, only this time it was two yellow roses. I sort of got the impression that every date we'd have, the more flowers I would get. It's a sweet gesture, but considering the amount of doom I felt about going on this date I couldn't really appreciate it for what it was worth.

As I blogged in my last post about Mr. Marvelous, I had a completely different image of him in my head than the person who appeared in front of me on our date. You might recall that I thought he was this cute, shortish guy before I met him... but in reality, he's tall and lanky with a weird body shape. What I didn't realize was that he actually reminds me a bit of a hobbit. Broad face, pointy ears. Sort of like this, but with shorter hair:

I came to this unfortunate realization about 5 minutes into our date... try enjoying your salad when all you can think is, "Frodo! Frodo Baggins!"

Sigh.

So we ordered and I tried to put the hobbit resemblance from my mind. My meal came with a salad bar, which he told me I could go enjoy. (Yes, you read that correctly. Told me.)

10 minutes in and I'm already annoyed that he's giving me permission to go to the salad bar. This was gonna be a long night.

I made myself a huge and delicious salad, which I began to enjoy upon my return to the table. However, he kept making comments about how weird he felt watching me eat. So I moved the plate to the side and waited for our meals to come. But then he got all weird about having chastised me for eating my salad. Hello dude?! What do you want from me?!

20 minutes in and I wanted to kill him.

While we were making idle conversation, he wanted to know what my first impressions of him were. I guess I wouldn't have thought that was such a weird question if my first impressions of him were positive. I know he was just trying to give me a compliment because he liked my "spirit", but I was just sort of put off by the whole question.

Our food came a few minutes later - thank goodness, because the awkward silence was starting to streeeeeeeetch. Except that during dinner he talked about salmonella poisoning. And the silence began to streeeeeeetch again.

We finished our meal and the server brought the check. I picked up the tab because I knew I was about to break things off and figured a free meal would at least soften the blow. I got the impression that he wanted to linger and chat some more. I suggested we head out.

We walked out to the parking lot and I mentioned I was going to walk over to the bookstore for a few minutes, so this would be where we parted ways. He went for the hug/"I had a great time" combo. As we were hugging, I pulled out the "We're not clicking" line.

I hated the look of disappointment on his face. I hated that I put it there. He (understandably) cooled considerably upon hearing that I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. I hate this part.

He kind of creeped me out at that point, so I wandered towards the bookstore and hung out for a few minutes until I thought he'd left. Seriously, I'm a 27 year old woman and I felt the need to hide? L.A.M.E.

Grade: N/A

Up next: Drinks/dinner with Teach - Woo hoo!

Dates #5 and #6

2008-07-28T22:20:00.002-04:00

Whew! It was a busy weekend of dating, folks. Let's get right to the action, shall we?

Date #5 - Canoeing with Barback Boy
On Saturday, Barback Boy and I went canoeing with his cousin. Even though we met nearly two months ago, this was only date #3 for us. The canoe trip was a great metaphor for our relationship; pretty laid back, slow moving and occasionally completely stagnant. And yet, it was a really fun time. The sun was shining, the water was smooth and the company was fantastic. We threw back a couple of beers, made one another laugh and had a great time. I really like him.

At the end of the date, he asked me to the baseball game for the next afternoon. Except for that I already had a date planned. (See Date #6) Barback Boy looked a little surprised that I would even tell him about a date with someone else. His response? "I guess when you leave something on the market for too long, it gets snatched up." Envious, Barback Boy?

Grade: A+

Date #6 - Newport Aquarium
On Sunday afternoon, Italian Stallion and I met at the Newport Aquarium for some educational fun. I was already feeling like the chemistry wasn't completely "on" -- but we'd had such great conversations before and he'd admitted he was being a little quiet on our first date -- so I thought it was worth a second date.

So there we were, wandering among the sharks and fishes. We had good conversation. We learned some interesting facts about penguins and got to pet some sharks (weird feeling, kinda like a scuba suit). Afterwards, he bought me a Sno-Cone. We enjoyed people watching and general conversation.

But still no spark.

As we were walking to our respective cars, he asked me if I'd like to do it again. I really, really hated what was coming. But I felt I had to be honest. "I had a really good time, but I don't really feel like we are clicking."

And guess what? He felt the same way! Whew!

Well, okay, not exactly. He said that he agreed, but that he felt like he was really holding back and being really bashful. That he was being really shy and likes me a lot and doesn't feel like he's fully opened up to me. So that is not exactly the same as "not clicking." I suggested that we be friends. I can always use another guy friend looking out for me.

Do I think we'll be friends? Nah. But you never know.

Grade: N/A

Up next: Dinner with Mr. Marvelous tomorrow, dinner with Teach on Wednesday.

Date #4 - FINALLY!

2008-07-21T21:15:00.002-04:00

On Friday, Teach and I met for the first time. We'd had a little bit of trouble connecting over the last couple of weeks, so it was nice to finally put a face to a name.

We met at a sports bar for happy hour. I figured if we didn't hit it off, there would be beer and sports to fill the awkward silences. If we did hit it off, there'd be beer and sports to talk about and munchies to enjoy.

As luck would have it, we hit it off! I found that he wasn't at all what I expected from our phone conversations. We had more in common than I thought and he's smarter than he sounds. (Smart counts for a LOT with me.)

Of course, part of the reason the date may have gone well is because my expectations were starting to get a little low. After three dud dates, I didn't have high expectations that I would meet my "one and only" at the sports bar. By keeping my expectations in check, I was able to just open up and enjoy the experience for what it was.

Let that be a lesson to you, fellow single people. Keep your expectations low and you'll never be disappointed. There's nowhere to go but up.

Grade: A-

Date #3

2008-07-15T21:43:00.002-04:00

Tonight I had a date with Mr. Marvelous. Here's how it went down.

We decided to meet at J. Alexander's. I have said before that I have this kind of weird, tingly feeling whenever we've had conversations in person. But I think I had a different image of him in my head than who he is in real life. In his photo, he looked like this cute, sort of short-ishy guy, but in real life he is tall and has kind of a weird body shape. Right off the bat I was a little disappointed... the chemistry that I'd felt on the phone just didn't seem to be translating into real life.

But he brought me a pinky/yellowy rose which was incredibly thoughtful and charming. So I tried to set the fact that he wasn't at ALL what I expected aside.

I also felt a little awkward because while not the most expensive steakhouse I've ever been to, J. Alexander's is a nice restaurant. And when I eat steak, I usually eat filet mignon because it is the smallest cut of beef and is always delicious. But on a first date, I feel kind of weird and almost guilty ordering a big expensive meal, even if the dude is the one who suggested it.

It wouldn't be so bad if they guy was planning to order a big expensive meal, too. Unfortunately, when I compared what I was thinking of getting to what he was getting, it was clear that my meal was going to be more expensive. Like, double. And I felt bad about that! So rather than get the glass of wine and the filet that I would normally get, I got a strip steak (uck) and stuck to water. That way, we were a little more on par with one another. And oh yeah, since he doesn't drink at all, I would have felt TOTALLY out of place getting a relaxing glass of pinot noir. Sigh.

Anyway, the conversation was good but I felt like I wasn't being quite myself. I think I was trying to overcompensate for the fact that I was disappointed that I'd built up my expectations of him, and he didn't meet them. And by the end of the date, I was ready for it to be over.

I will go out with him again. Now that I have a better sense of what to expect, I think it will be a little easier. Maybe I can concentrate more on what he is saying and less about how my intuition was so totally off about him. We just had such GREAT conversations on the phone... and I had sort of built him up in my mind and was disappointed by the real thing.

Grade: B-

I treated myself to some fro-yo after my date, and literally bumped into a hottie in line in front of me. We made conversation and while I didn't make a move and neither did he, I was still struck by the fact that you literally could meet someone anywhere.

Date #2

2008-07-13T19:01:00.003-04:00

So today I had a date with Tall, Dark and... Skinny. He was exactly as described. Really tall and REALLY skinny.

We went to the Cincinnati Art Museum, which is an awesome place. It was the first time I'd ever been there, and I definitely need to go back. We spent two hours wandering the various exhibits and trying to make converation. But in the hushed reverence of a museum is not the best place to make conversation, especially for the first time.

At one point, I saw him reach onto his belt for a little device. Yeah - he was wearing a pedometer. "This thing must not be working," he said. "It says I've only taken 245 steps!"

[Editor's Note: When I told my mom that, she laughed louder than I've heard in a while. I assumer you're joining her in laughter.]

At the end of the date, he asked me if I wanted to go eat. But the conversation, the chemistry just weren't there. So I declined. I mean, the kid is hugely nice and you can tell he is a total sweetheart, but if it's not poppin', it's not poppin'.

And seriously... a pedometer?! You may want to leave that at home the next time, fella.

Grade: D

Up Next: Dinner on Tuesday with Mr. Marvelous

Date #1

2008-07-09T17:51:00.004-04:00

Last night was Date #1 with Italian Stallion.

We met at The Hillside Room, a quiet little restaurant that has a tavern on one side and a restaurant on the other. Unfortunately, Italian Stallion asked me to meet him on the tavern side, so I went in, ordered a beer and waited. Then a fancy-schmancy server beckoned me over to the other side, where my date was waiting. Oops.

The food was good. The conversation was good. He was pretty much what I expected. A gentleman all the way. A little nervous. A few awkward silences. Was the ZING there? Not sure yet... It is really hard to go out with a person for the first time, especially when it's a blind day. It was kind of hard to tell if we were both being ourselves 100 percent; in fact, he mentioned that he was being more quiet than usual. At the same time, I felt like I was having dinner with an old friend. Is the keyword "friend"?

Grade: B+

Let's Get It Started

2008-07-07T19:05:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been a couple of weeks now and I'm getting to the point where it's time to start meeting some of these guys. But why should I get right to the good stuff? A little update from the "Not So Much" pile:

Handlebar: This guy had a thick, bushy, handlebar mustache unlike any I've ever seen. NEXT!

Body Builder Boy: When you're lookin' to get the ladies, nothing works better than a shot of you as a body builder, right? Seriously, this guy looked like something off a bottle of protein powder. Yeah, he was cut. CUT UP. And from the looks of it, oiled up, too.

Oh, and I almost forgot! Body Builder Boy actually met me the first time I was on Match.com. I apparently made a great impression, because he emailed me asking, "Do I know you?" When I left our date (the first time around) I wasn't all that impressed, so it wasn't any great loss to write a little, "Not interested" message back to him.

Shy Guy: I actually exchanged a couple of emails with Shy Guy, but I just wasn't feeling the chemistry leap off the screen. I realize that online dating is hard, and it's hard to tell when you're going to click with someone right away. But I figure if I'm not really excited to get your email, I'm probably not going to be that excited to see you in real life. So when I explained that to Shy Guy, he got kind upset, like "Why did you even email me in the first place?" Well how was I supposed to know that I wasn't going to be interested? Seriously... I just do NOT have time for these high maintenance dudes.

Okay, so enough of that. On to the fun part!

Teach: Teach is going to call me this week.

Ad Man: So per my last update, Ad Man asked for my number, and I gave it. I was really excited that he might call me, too. But I have yet to hear from him. So I guess maybe there is no potential there after all. And what should I do? I don't want to stalk him or anything, but it is kind of weird that I just haven't heard from him at all. A quick "Hey, you alive?" email, perhaps?

Italian Stallion: Italian Stallion and I spoke twice last week, for a couple of hours each time. He's funny and sincere and just a doll. He makes me a little nervous because he is young and he is clearly prepared to be in a really serious relationship, which I am not necessarily prepared for. But we're supposed to meet up for a drink or coffee tomorrow, so we'll see what happens - I'll keep you posted!

Baja: We just keep exchanging emails. Always short, always nondescript. But seriously, he's a Grade A Hottie in his pictures, so I think there might still be some chemistry there. Plus, he got a little flirtatious in his email today, which indicates a bad boy side that y'all know I gotta love. So we're keeping up with that one... :)

Maroon 5 Lookalike Guy: Adam Levine's doppelganger is calling me this week. Since he lives about 45 minutes away from Cincinnati, I guess we'll have to meet in the middle somewhere. Then again, that would put me right around West Chester, where...

...Barback Boy lives. He and I had date #2 on Thursday. Baseball game got rained out and we were both tired, so we stayed in, ordered pizza, drank beer and watched movie. He deftly bounced the ball back into my court as I was leaving. I am hoping for date #3 maybe sometime this weekend. It would be nice to get out and DO something, since both of our dates have involved food and a movie. I think he would like that, too.

Mr. Marvelous: I don't know, guys, I have a weird feeling about him. This little weird, tingly, nervous feeling. We haven't even talked on the phone yet!

Irish: Yes, Irish has been added since the last time I updated you. We actually exchanged a few emails but then we both got busy and sort of lost one another. But he reached out again this weekend and so maybe we'll get back into the swing of things and I won't forget about him again.

Tall, Dark and... Skinny: From his photos, Tall, Dark and... Skinny is tall, dark and... skinny! He and I have exchanged a few emails, he is the only person to actually "get" the little intro line from my profile (which is culled from a cheesy easy listening song, thank-you-very-much.) But, like Maroon 5 Lookalike Guy, he lives 45 minutes away and I am SO not into a long distance relationship right now, considering the dismal failure of my last long distances relationship!

And the winks and emails keep coming, so I am going to keep going. Speaking of which, I have eight messages in my inbox, waiting for a response, so I'll be taking my leave now. But check back soon for another exciting edition of my dating diary!!

E-Stalkers!

2008-07-03T19:12:00.003-04:00

In my last post, I blogged about the fact that Shaggy ran these lame lines on me and got all crappy about the fact that I am a busy, busy woman with little time for these foolish "I bet I can make you un-busy" games.

I thought I had effectively nipped any further communication in the bud by not responding to any of his messages. But then I get THIS:

Cingle Girl:

I was disappointed last time we talked. I didn't think you would be the type to boast about having 100's of guys coming after you on here. I can tell you though that whether there are 100 guys or 1000 guys on here, you won't find another me.

I wouldn't wait for this "weeding out" process because I may or may not be around when it's said or done. All you have to decide is whether or not I'm someone you're interested in getting to know or not. By now you know enough to decide that.

If you decide you want to do yourself a favor and hang out with a hell of a guy, write back.

---Shaggy

Oh. My. God. You've got to be kidding me, right? Not one to back down from a challenge or a shitty email, I calmly wrote back:

Shaggy:

I think you misunderstood my IM the other day. For the record, I wasn’t bragging about having hundreds of guys lined up to meet me. I was simply pointing out that the response to my profile has been overwhelming and takes a while to wade through. I want to be sure that I look at everyone’s profile and figure out whether they are right for me; you never know who might come along.

I have realized that the best kind of guy for me is someone who isn’t pushy and who respects my decision to take this Match.com experience for what it is: An opportunity try on different people and see who is right for me. My personality is such that if you try to push me into something, I’m going to shut you down completely.

Unfortunately, that is how you’ve come across both in your IM and in your most recent email. Above all, your decision to chastise me for wanting to get to know as many people as possible, as well as your condescending attitude (i.e. “if you want to do yourself a favor”) is both misguided and insulting. I will make my own decisions about who is right for me. I don’t need you to do it for me… especially when you are clearly not the right person for me.

I do hope that you find who you’re looking for on this site… it just won’t be me.

---Cingle Girl

HA! Take that! But apparently, Shaggy, is not one to take rejection lying down. His response, which then effectively caused me to block him, goes like this:

You're only hurting yourself then princess. Go ahead and wade through the sea of losers and when you come out the other end with nothing gained, don't say you didn't have the chance.

tonight I'm going to be at [insert lame country bar here]. I'll be learning the ropes as the kareoke dj and you can come and watch from afar. You won't recognize me as I'll be in a cowboy hat and boots, and I won't even bother to look for you. I think this is the best way for you to see what I'm about without resorting to words or pictures.

If you're not up for the challenge, than I'll know that you don't posess the intestinal fortitude to be with someone like me.

---Shaggy

If by intenstinal fortitude he means an inability to control my gag reflex when I get messages like that, then he's right. I'm just... too... weak...

In all seriousness, ladies and gents, this is why the anonymity is kind of a blessing. Because even though this guy is a complete weirdo, he doesn't know my last name, or my phone number, or (now that I've blocked him) any way to get ahold of me. Unless he finds me through this blog, in which case I'm screwed.

Welcome to Cingle in the City

2008-07-03T18:38:00.004-04:00

Welcome to Cingle in the City. This blog is designed to share the stories of a single woman in Cincinnati who is just trying to find someone. Not necessarily Mr. Right. More like Mr. Right Now. Or Mr. Right Now Who Might Be Mr. Right Later But Let's Not Rush And Just See What Happens.

Irreverent. Gutsy. Tongue-in-cheek. These are all ways to describte this blog. It's not meant to be anything fancy. Just a chronicle of one woman's quest to find love in the city of Cin.

Got a funny dating story yourself? Add it to the comments or email me. You can find that info to your right.

And now, sit back, grab a glass of wine and enjoy the first installment of Cingle in the City.

Back in the Saddle Again

Since my last relationship ended a few months ago, I've been in a little bit of a rut. So, tired of my own self-pity and pathetically nonexistent love life, rejoined the social experiment known as Match.com. Things have been... interesting, to say the least. Here's a rundown of the players so far... names have been changed to protect the innocent.

He's a Rhinestone Cowboy: So this guy "winked" at me. (For those of you who either aren't single or aren't in the know, a wink is a casual way of letting someone know you are interested. That way, you don't have to face rejection by email.) He looked like he was 12. In a cowboy hat. Now, it's not that I don't like cowboys, because I do. The tall, dark, studly kind who are all sweaty from a hard day on the range, have some 5 o'clock shadow and have to wet themselves down at the water pump... oh, I'm sorry, did I digress? Ahem. Anyway, this guy didn't look like that at all. NEXT!

Renaissance Man: This guy actually winked at me (and probably every other woman on the site) the first time I was on Match.com. As it turns out, he is a total weenie who hit on me when I was in college, too. Ew. So he sends me a wink and I politely say “no thanks.” Then he sends me an email telling me that he’ll wink again in another six months. I politely say “no thanks” again. I also point out that he hit on me in college and that "I wasn’t interested then and I’m not interested now." Still, he emails me back to tell me that he can be patient and he’ll talk to me soon. I am almost willing to go out with him just to get him to leave me alone.

Marine Boy: So I get an email from this guy – a former Marine who could probably snap my neck in half with just one look – asking if I wanted to chat sometime. He’s 29, divorced and he has two kids. I’m not really interested in dating a guy with two kids and an ex-wife, so I tell him I’m not interested.

Then I get this message: “I guess I ain’t upperclass enough for you?” No, you’re 29, you have two children, you’re divorced and you look like your profile pic is the same as your mug shot. In response, I said, "No, that isn't it. I just am not interested."

[Editor's note: I mean, c'mon. I'm allowed to not be interested. That is the beauty of this Match.com thing! You click, I click and if we click then we click. If we don't, there will be no clicking and you shouldn't take it personally. You know?]

And then: “Whatever then good luck findin a good man on here if your that damn picky then.” Seriously? Ease up, dude. And good luck finding a woman who doesn’t care if you know how to spell.

Shaggy: You know that song, "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy? Well, this guy's username was a bit like the refrain of that song, so I will affectionately (or not so affectionately, as it were...) refer to him as Shaggy. I wasn’t totally into him, but he seemed nice so we exchanged a few emails. Then he IMed me (cuz you can do that through Match.com now…) His opening line: “She lives!” I presume this was because I hadn’t been on the site for a couple of days and hadn’t yet responded to his email.

So I responded, “She lives, she is just busy.” He goes, “I bet I could make it worth your while to be un-busy.” Puh-lease. I realize that it is hard to talk to a tasty lady like myself but seriously? That line is so freaking lame.

So we go back and forth a little bit and I explain that I have a life. I also explain that, as a girl on this Web site, it gets really overwhelming with the number of winks and emails I find it necessary to respond to. His response: “I’ll tell you what. You weed through the bad ones and when you don’t find what you’re looking for, you get back to me. Because hundreds may come and go, but you’ll never find another me.”

Ugh. The line, "It wasn't me" is running through my head. It certainly wasn't him.

But at the end of the day, there are always some silver linings. And here are mine:

Teach: Teach is - what else? - a teacher and a football coach at a local high school. Teach reminds me of a big, goofy, quarterback type. He has some potential, we’ll have to see how things shake out.

Ad Man: Ad Man works in the research department of a local advertising agency. He writes long, interesting emails. He is funny online, which is relatively hard to do. He seems genuine and adorable. Oh yeah, and he has this big, huge smile in all of his photos. So cute! He asked for my number, I gave it. We'll see, America.

Italian Stallion: So this guy is, like, straight out of Sicily. He studied in Italy twice. He is an accountant but he has a personality. He has good taste in music. Oh yeah, and did I mention the Italian part? Only drawback: he’s 25, which is almost a little young for me. I would really prefer to date someone a little older, but pickings are slim in that department, because all of the older guys are the psychos mentioned above.

Baja: Baja works for his family business. I don’t know what that family business is yet, so we’ll see if he offers that information up. We’ve only exchanged a few emails, so there isn’t much more to say about him.

Maroon 5 Lookalike Guy: I think this guy looks like Adam Levine from Maroon 5. 'Nuff said. Meeting for drinks/coffee next week.

Mr. Marvelous: Mr. Marvelous strikes me as this somewhat shy, somewhat nerdy, but still sort of confident and completely adorable. We’ve exchanged a few emails, so it’s nothing to get too excited about right now. But this one has potential, folks…

Barback Boy: No, he doesn’t work in a bar. He works for a title company and we actually met just before I started this whole social experiment. He is charming. We have nothing in common, but he has a lot of qualities that I like. He is 10 years older than me, but who's counting?

So that's it. Fire away, folks.