The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I went back and read my last post, in which I waxed poetic about my relationship and expressed the hope that someone truly in love feels at that point of recognition that their life has been forever changed by one person.
But things have turned south lately. We're not communicating with one another well. We're not talking as much. He had a party for the Fourth of July and didn't invite me.
Yeah, kind of a dick move if you ask me.
His general thoughtlessness and selfishness started to creep through. There were more mood swings. Fewer thoughtful gestures. Less sex. (Truly a measure of the health of a relationship, wouldn't you say?)
The more I started to see these things, the more denial I felt. I held on harder, tighter and tried to keep things from falling apart around me. But the fact of the matter is, we're wrong for each other. My heart just needed time to catch up to that fact, a fact that I recognized a long time ago and rarely voiced aloud.
Today marked the end of the relationship. We were together a year. We did a good job. We had some laughs, some good times. But the relationship ran its course, and we both acknowledged that today. He isn't capable of giving me what I need, and even if he were, he wouldn't want to. That's not fair to me, so it was time for us to go our separate ways. If we're not moving forward, what are we doing?
I feel relieved.
It still hurts, of course. I'm sad, as I suppose I'll be for a long time. It will take time to heal my broken heart, for as Pablo Neruda said, "Loving is so short, forgetting is so long." But in the end, I will be healed. I'll be revived. And I'll be ready for someone better.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Monday, October 27, 2008
Three small words
Barback Boy -- henceforth referred to as "The Boyfriend -- told me that he loves me over the weekend.
I have to admit, I kinda already knew... or at least, I suspected. We've been on the same page consistently throughout our relationship, and I've been feeling that lovin' feelin' for a little while now.
But more so than the words, The Boyfriend finds little ways to show or tell me every day. It's a text message first thing in the morning or a kiss on the forehead when I leave. It's buying me a bright pink toothbrush for use when he "kidnaps" me for weekends at his house. It's stocking Coke in the fridge and opening doors and making me breakfast in bed and doing the dishes without complaining and showing up unexpectedly with a bottle of wine and the fancy-schmancy corkscrew I've been eyeing.
Now that I know how he really feels, though, those every day moments are becoming all that more precious. Those moments that we have together take on a whole new meaning, especially between two people who don't want to bust out "I love you," all the time for fear of the phrase losing its intensity.
I have to admit, I kinda already knew... or at least, I suspected. We've been on the same page consistently throughout our relationship, and I've been feeling that lovin' feelin' for a little while now.
But more so than the words, The Boyfriend finds little ways to show or tell me every day. It's a text message first thing in the morning or a kiss on the forehead when I leave. It's buying me a bright pink toothbrush for use when he "kidnaps" me for weekends at his house. It's stocking Coke in the fridge and opening doors and making me breakfast in bed and doing the dishes without complaining and showing up unexpectedly with a bottle of wine and the fancy-schmancy corkscrew I've been eyeing.
Now that I know how he really feels, though, those every day moments are becoming all that more precious. Those moments that we have together take on a whole new meaning, especially between two people who don't want to bust out "I love you," all the time for fear of the phrase losing its intensity.
Monday, September 29, 2008
DTR
BB boy and I had the "DTR" - Defining The Relationship - talk the other day. I am officially off the market.
We didn't really need to have the boyfriend/girlfriend discussion, but we did anyway. Our relationship just sort of naturally evolved into something really wonderful and exciting and different. I'm happy. I'd even go so far as to say that I'm twitterpated.
We didn't really need to have the boyfriend/girlfriend discussion, but we did anyway. Our relationship just sort of naturally evolved into something really wonderful and exciting and different. I'm happy. I'd even go so far as to say that I'm twitterpated.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To text (or not to text...)
Okay. So if you’ve ever known anyone of the opposite sex EVER in your life, you know this to be true: Men and women communicate differently.
I know… it’s shocking! But alas, it’s true. And let’s face it: The fact that we communicate differently creates all sorts of messes in our relationships.
Take, for example, my friend M, who ran into an ex-boyfriend over the weekend. They had dated the summer between their junior and senior years in college. During the summer, their romance fizzled. But when during the fall, when they went back to different colleges in different cities, it fizzled.
Anyway, they ran into one another over the weekend at a little sports bar. M says they eyed one another to make sure it really was who they thought it was. Eventually, he made his way over, they reconnected and enjoyed pleasant catch-up conversation.
His phone was dead, so he suggested she text him with her new cell phone number. He also invited her to go hang with him and his friends at another local bar… but she was tired and thus, declined.
But per his request, she sent him a text that read something like, “Hey, it was good to see you!” She didn’t identify herself and – worse yet – has no way to know if her number actually showed up.
Last night, after much consideration and several (SEVERAL…) glasses of wine, we decided that she should text him again but be more specific. After all, she never identified herself. He might not know who it was who was texting, right?
So, we formulated a text message that was (we think!) breezy, unstudied and spur-of-the-moment.
It took 30 minutes to write.
“Hey, it’s M… Hope you guys had fun at RPs last weekend! Let me know if you ever want to grab a drink and catch up.”
He hasn’t responded.
Maybe we should have listened to the advice of two guy friends who piped up and gave their two cents. They said (and I quote), “Guys don’t like it when girls call.” But seriously, why ask someone to text you and why invite them to continue hanging out if you have no intention of responding?
This is what we girls like to call, "Giving Mixed Signals."
Were the situation reversed and it had been M who requested the original text message, she would have responded by Tuesday with a light (and thoughtfully composed) return text.
So why don't boys play by the same rules? Because (sigh) we communicate differently. And because of that difference, M is stuck obsessively checking her phone for new messages and wondering if she read this silly boy wrong in the first place.
I know… it’s shocking! But alas, it’s true. And let’s face it: The fact that we communicate differently creates all sorts of messes in our relationships.
Take, for example, my friend M, who ran into an ex-boyfriend over the weekend. They had dated the summer between their junior and senior years in college. During the summer, their romance fizzled. But when during the fall, when they went back to different colleges in different cities, it fizzled.
Anyway, they ran into one another over the weekend at a little sports bar. M says they eyed one another to make sure it really was who they thought it was. Eventually, he made his way over, they reconnected and enjoyed pleasant catch-up conversation.
His phone was dead, so he suggested she text him with her new cell phone number. He also invited her to go hang with him and his friends at another local bar… but she was tired and thus, declined.
But per his request, she sent him a text that read something like, “Hey, it was good to see you!” She didn’t identify herself and – worse yet – has no way to know if her number actually showed up.
Last night, after much consideration and several (SEVERAL…) glasses of wine, we decided that she should text him again but be more specific. After all, she never identified herself. He might not know who it was who was texting, right?
So, we formulated a text message that was (we think!) breezy, unstudied and spur-of-the-moment.
It took 30 minutes to write.
“Hey, it’s M… Hope you guys had fun at RPs last weekend! Let me know if you ever want to grab a drink and catch up.”
He hasn’t responded.
Maybe we should have listened to the advice of two guy friends who piped up and gave their two cents. They said (and I quote), “Guys don’t like it when girls call.” But seriously, why ask someone to text you and why invite them to continue hanging out if you have no intention of responding?
This is what we girls like to call, "Giving Mixed Signals."
Were the situation reversed and it had been M who requested the original text message, she would have responded by Tuesday with a light (and thoughtfully composed) return text.
So why don't boys play by the same rules? Because (sigh) we communicate differently. And because of that difference, M is stuck obsessively checking her phone for new messages and wondering if she read this silly boy wrong in the first place.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Update
In recent weeks, the dating scene has really dropped off for me. I continue to hang out with Barback Boy and the more that I do, the more I realize that I really, really like him and don't need to be wasting my time with some of these guys I've been seeing. So I've phased them out of my life slowly but surely.
I hesitate to call him my "boyfriend" because I still want the freedom of knowing that I'm single. Also, we're in one anothers' lives but we're not a PART of one anothers' lives, you know what I mean? Until that situation is remedied (and possibly, still after that) I don't plan to enter into a truly exclusive relationship. Even though, yes, I guess we're technically together because neither of us is seeing anyone else.
Aaaaanyway, after that long-winded explanation, I thought I'd share some of the things that make him great and that I have learned about him in the past few months. I stole this from a couple of the other blogs that I read, and thought this was an appropriate outlet.
1. He’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
A Reds game
2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
I don't know, he's never actually ordered a salad in front of me. Probably ranch.
3. What’s one food he doesn’t like?
Onions
4. You go out to the bar. What does he order?
Beer, usually some sort of of IPA
5. Where did he go to high school?
Lakota, back before there was an East or West.
6. What size shoe does he wear?
I don't know.
7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
Everything! He's a huge pack rat. He has ever Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue published since, like 1980. And he has lots of bottles from favorite beers.
8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
He eats a lot of tuna and he's not opposed to a burger.
9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Pizza
10. What is his favorite cereal?
I can't be sure, he has no cereal in his house. Though I have seen lots of oatmeal.
11. What would he never wear?
High heels, probably. Or a speedo.
12. What is his favorite sports team?
The Reds
13. Who will he vote for?
McCain. Let's not go there, we've had a couple of discussions about that. They've been... spirited...
14. Who is his best friend?
I would say his friend Becca, but he's not speaking to her currently because she tried to break us up. So probably his family, Larry, Brandon and Ryan.
15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t do?
Complain about how lame his presidential candidate is. Pretend to be interested in UFC.
16. How many states has he lived in?
Several - Illinois, Ohio, Florida. Also, he served in the Air Force, so he also lived in Saudi Arabia and Iraq.
17. What is his heritage?
German and maybe some other things
18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
Probably yellow cake. He doesn't love chocolate.
19. Did he play sports in high school?
Oh gosh, I'm embarassed to admit this. He was REALLY big into doing tricks on his bike.
20. What could he spend hours doing?
Downloading and listening to music
I hesitate to call him my "boyfriend" because I still want the freedom of knowing that I'm single. Also, we're in one anothers' lives but we're not a PART of one anothers' lives, you know what I mean? Until that situation is remedied (and possibly, still after that) I don't plan to enter into a truly exclusive relationship. Even though, yes, I guess we're technically together because neither of us is seeing anyone else.
Aaaaanyway, after that long-winded explanation, I thought I'd share some of the things that make him great and that I have learned about him in the past few months. I stole this from a couple of the other blogs that I read, and thought this was an appropriate outlet.
1. He’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
A Reds game
2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
I don't know, he's never actually ordered a salad in front of me. Probably ranch.
3. What’s one food he doesn’t like?
Onions
4. You go out to the bar. What does he order?
Beer, usually some sort of of IPA
5. Where did he go to high school?
Lakota, back before there was an East or West.
6. What size shoe does he wear?
I don't know.
7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
Everything! He's a huge pack rat. He has ever Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue published since, like 1980. And he has lots of bottles from favorite beers.
8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
He eats a lot of tuna and he's not opposed to a burger.
9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Pizza
10. What is his favorite cereal?
I can't be sure, he has no cereal in his house. Though I have seen lots of oatmeal.
11. What would he never wear?
High heels, probably. Or a speedo.
12. What is his favorite sports team?
The Reds
13. Who will he vote for?
McCain. Let's not go there, we've had a couple of discussions about that. They've been... spirited...
14. Who is his best friend?
I would say his friend Becca, but he's not speaking to her currently because she tried to break us up. So probably his family, Larry, Brandon and Ryan.
15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t do?
Complain about how lame his presidential candidate is. Pretend to be interested in UFC.
16. How many states has he lived in?
Several - Illinois, Ohio, Florida. Also, he served in the Air Force, so he also lived in Saudi Arabia and Iraq.
17. What is his heritage?
German and maybe some other things
18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
Probably yellow cake. He doesn't love chocolate.
19. Did he play sports in high school?
Oh gosh, I'm embarassed to admit this. He was REALLY big into doing tricks on his bike.
20. What could he spend hours doing?
Downloading and listening to music
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
L8 4 a D8
Uh-oh Teach. You may be in trouble now... seeing as how you were almost 30 minutes late for our date tonight!!
Let's go back to where it all started -- the beginning.
So this is my third date with Teach. Third dates are great... you know one another well enough to be comfortable, you might even have some inside jokes, and you know that you like one another enough to see each other again. The possibilities start to open up during the third date, and you start to actually consider keeping this person in your life for a little while.
Our first two dates went really well. He continues to surprise me - he's got smarts hidden behind this deep Kentucky drawl. He's funny and laid back. And while I don't like him as much as I like Barback Boy, I do like him and was looking forward to seeing him tonight.
For our third date, Teach and I yet again decided to meet for dinner and drinks. (Okay, mild criticism here: I like to eat, but I'm kind of in the mood to DO something, you know?! Like, Barback Boy and I went canoeing. Oh, and also? I have picked the place each time. How about you show some initiative and YOU pick the place next time?!)
Aaaaanyway, Teach had a fundraiser to attend for one of his friends, who is running in the Olympics, but whose mom doesn't have enough moolah to get there. Noble cause. Really admirable. Knowing that he had these other obligations to attend to, we decided to do dinner late and meet at the restaurant at 8:00.
At 7:55, I receive a call from Teach. "Hey, have you left your house yet?" he asked.
"Yep, I'm actually just parking. Why, what's up?"
"I'm running late. I might be closer to 8:05," he said. "Would that be okay? Are you mad?"
Well no, I'm not mad, I thought. After all, you were considerate enough to call and tell me you'd be late. So I responded, "Nope, not at all. See you then."
To kill some time, I took a nice, leisurely stroll around the block. I window-shopped as I passed by some of the upscale boutiques in the area. And I arrived at exactly 8:05.
No Teach.
So I waited for a few minutes in the lobby. I started getting fidgety. The poor hostess, sensing my discomfort, asked if I wanted to go ahead and be seated. Anything is better than just sitting in a lobby, so yeah, I wanted to be seated!!
I called Teach to let him know that I'd been seated and to just come in and find me. As we are about to hang up, I casually asked him if he'd be there soon.
Well, he's still about 10 minutes away. So no, he wasn't close and he was going to be late. "Go ahead and order a drink while you wait for me," he says.
Well, okay, no problem. A few more minutes is fine. But 20 minutes later, he still isn't there, my wine is getting warm and I, of course, am freaking out. That's when he ambles in.
He was incredibly apologetic. I swear, he must have apologized about a dozen times. But here's what happened. I guess he was late to this fundraiser event. Then, the newspaper and one of the TV stations showed up. (This story is big news in Cincinnati, so this much is plausible.)
Since he had some T-shirts custom designed and was selling them for this benefit, he was asked to be interviewed. He complied, but it put him farther behind. And then a bunch of his friends showed up, so he felt like he had to schmooze with them for a bit. Finally, at 7:55, he realized that he had to leave the benefit for our date... which by the way, was half an hour from where the benefit was being held.
Here's the thing: It doesn't bother me so much that he was late. It doesn't even bother me that he waited until five minutes before we were supposed to meet to call me.
What bothers me is that he told me he was going to be five minutes late, but in reality was going to be 25 minutes late. The benefit was in his hometown, and we were having dinner in the suburb where he lives now. So he KNOWS it takes longer than 10 minutes to get there. So why not just tell me that he's going to be 30 minutes late; I would have been slightly annoyed, but I would have killed some time and been none the worse for the wear.
And when I asked him why he didn't just tell me that he'd be 30 minutes late (and probably asked none too gently, considering I was actually kind of pissed off at that point...) he told me, "Well, I didn't want you to be mad."
But you thought that I wouldn't be mad just hanging out waiting for you for 25 minutes?! I mean, I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's being sincere and had the best of intentions. After all, he is a nice guy.
But on the other hand... is this a sign of things to come? What do you think, America? If a guy is nearly 30 minutes late to a date - pretty much knowing that he's going to be late but not wanting to "make you mad" by being honest about it - do you give him a second chance and see how it goes, or do you drop him like a hot potato and move on to the next?
Grade: C-
[Editor's Note: One of my friends asked me how the rest of the date went. When Teach wasn't obsessing over being late, it went fine. I got over the fact that he was late and wanted to move on to other topics of conversation. He kept saying, "I figured you'd be mad and would leave me," or "I figure I'll never see you again because I was late," and blah, blah, blah. I told him that we should just move on and not talk about it anymore, but he just KEPT COMING BACK TO IT. It was really annoying. But other than that, the date was good.]
Let's go back to where it all started -- the beginning.
So this is my third date with Teach. Third dates are great... you know one another well enough to be comfortable, you might even have some inside jokes, and you know that you like one another enough to see each other again. The possibilities start to open up during the third date, and you start to actually consider keeping this person in your life for a little while.
Our first two dates went really well. He continues to surprise me - he's got smarts hidden behind this deep Kentucky drawl. He's funny and laid back. And while I don't like him as much as I like Barback Boy, I do like him and was looking forward to seeing him tonight.
For our third date, Teach and I yet again decided to meet for dinner and drinks. (Okay, mild criticism here: I like to eat, but I'm kind of in the mood to DO something, you know?! Like, Barback Boy and I went canoeing. Oh, and also? I have picked the place each time. How about you show some initiative and YOU pick the place next time?!)
Aaaaanyway, Teach had a fundraiser to attend for one of his friends, who is running in the Olympics, but whose mom doesn't have enough moolah to get there. Noble cause. Really admirable. Knowing that he had these other obligations to attend to, we decided to do dinner late and meet at the restaurant at 8:00.
At 7:55, I receive a call from Teach. "Hey, have you left your house yet?" he asked.
"Yep, I'm actually just parking. Why, what's up?"
"I'm running late. I might be closer to 8:05," he said. "Would that be okay? Are you mad?"
Well no, I'm not mad, I thought. After all, you were considerate enough to call and tell me you'd be late. So I responded, "Nope, not at all. See you then."
To kill some time, I took a nice, leisurely stroll around the block. I window-shopped as I passed by some of the upscale boutiques in the area. And I arrived at exactly 8:05.
No Teach.
So I waited for a few minutes in the lobby. I started getting fidgety. The poor hostess, sensing my discomfort, asked if I wanted to go ahead and be seated. Anything is better than just sitting in a lobby, so yeah, I wanted to be seated!!
I called Teach to let him know that I'd been seated and to just come in and find me. As we are about to hang up, I casually asked him if he'd be there soon.
Well, he's still about 10 minutes away. So no, he wasn't close and he was going to be late. "Go ahead and order a drink while you wait for me," he says.
Well, okay, no problem. A few more minutes is fine. But 20 minutes later, he still isn't there, my wine is getting warm and I, of course, am freaking out. That's when he ambles in.
He was incredibly apologetic. I swear, he must have apologized about a dozen times. But here's what happened. I guess he was late to this fundraiser event. Then, the newspaper and one of the TV stations showed up. (This story is big news in Cincinnati, so this much is plausible.)
Since he had some T-shirts custom designed and was selling them for this benefit, he was asked to be interviewed. He complied, but it put him farther behind. And then a bunch of his friends showed up, so he felt like he had to schmooze with them for a bit. Finally, at 7:55, he realized that he had to leave the benefit for our date... which by the way, was half an hour from where the benefit was being held.
Here's the thing: It doesn't bother me so much that he was late. It doesn't even bother me that he waited until five minutes before we were supposed to meet to call me.
What bothers me is that he told me he was going to be five minutes late, but in reality was going to be 25 minutes late. The benefit was in his hometown, and we were having dinner in the suburb where he lives now. So he KNOWS it takes longer than 10 minutes to get there. So why not just tell me that he's going to be 30 minutes late; I would have been slightly annoyed, but I would have killed some time and been none the worse for the wear.
And when I asked him why he didn't just tell me that he'd be 30 minutes late (and probably asked none too gently, considering I was actually kind of pissed off at that point...) he told me, "Well, I didn't want you to be mad."
But you thought that I wouldn't be mad just hanging out waiting for you for 25 minutes?! I mean, I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's being sincere and had the best of intentions. After all, he is a nice guy.
But on the other hand... is this a sign of things to come? What do you think, America? If a guy is nearly 30 minutes late to a date - pretty much knowing that he's going to be late but not wanting to "make you mad" by being honest about it - do you give him a second chance and see how it goes, or do you drop him like a hot potato and move on to the next?
Grade: C-
[Editor's Note: One of my friends asked me how the rest of the date went. When Teach wasn't obsessing over being late, it went fine. I got over the fact that he was late and wanted to move on to other topics of conversation. He kept saying, "I figured you'd be mad and would leave me," or "I figure I'll never see you again because I was late," and blah, blah, blah. I told him that we should just move on and not talk about it anymore, but he just KEPT COMING BACK TO IT. It was really annoying. But other than that, the date was good.]
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Dates #8, 9 and 10
Two weeks ago, I had my second date with Teach. We went to a little local bar and had a few (okay, several) drinks and some dinner. Honestly, I got a little tipsy, which is pretty unlike me on a second date. Teach continues to surprise me, which is why I am seeing him for date #3 tomorrow....
Two Sundays in a row, I have had dates with Barback Boy. I think he is stepping up his game, now that he knows he's not the only person on my dance card. Two weekends ago, we went to this brew pub and had some delicious dinner, during which, he told me that HIS PARENTS had wanted me to come over so that we could all have dinner together. Glad he vetoed that (although I have met his parents, it was just before I was dating him!!) and stuck with our dinner plans.
This past Sunday, as I was coming home from Dayton, I stopped by his place and we watched the Olympics together. And snuggled. And whoever called at one point knows who I am, because he said, "I'm watching the Olympics with Cingle Girl." So apparently all of his friends and/or family know about me, even though we are barely dating. Of course, all my friends and family know about him, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised....
I think I only have one month left on my Match.com subscription so I am making the most of it. I went a little "wink" happy on some cuties who seem to be new to the service, so we'll see what develops there. Even though I like these guys that I am going on second and third and fourth and fifth dates with, I'm a girl who just wants to have fun right now. Why tie myself down just yet?! :)
Two Sundays in a row, I have had dates with Barback Boy. I think he is stepping up his game, now that he knows he's not the only person on my dance card. Two weekends ago, we went to this brew pub and had some delicious dinner, during which, he told me that HIS PARENTS had wanted me to come over so that we could all have dinner together. Glad he vetoed that (although I have met his parents, it was just before I was dating him!!) and stuck with our dinner plans.
This past Sunday, as I was coming home from Dayton, I stopped by his place and we watched the Olympics together. And snuggled. And whoever called at one point knows who I am, because he said, "I'm watching the Olympics with Cingle Girl." So apparently all of his friends and/or family know about me, even though we are barely dating. Of course, all my friends and family know about him, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised....
I think I only have one month left on my Match.com subscription so I am making the most of it. I went a little "wink" happy on some cuties who seem to be new to the service, so we'll see what develops there. Even though I like these guys that I am going on second and third and fourth and fifth dates with, I'm a girl who just wants to have fun right now. Why tie myself down just yet?! :)
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